That was me – earlier today – reflecting, although I began by searching – Searching for a new way forward, feeling like I was caught up, back in that old paper bag I couldn’t escape from, feeling like I was on the road to nowhere but more in a quagmire of confused thinking of where I thought I should be, rather than where I am. Then it hit me, I was wrestling with wanting more, more time for me and to share with my family, more time so that I could re-decorate my home, more time to enjoy my garden and the beauty of my surroundings, more time to write and heal and share my words with others, more time to enjoy with my friends, the love of a wonderful man who shows that he cherishes me, financial security so that I can enjoy the world with my children and my family, financial security that provides a beautiful secluded cottage in Cumbria where I can sit and enjoy the natural beauty surrounding me and reflect and write, a slower lifestyle away from the rat-race, an income that pays me for doing all the things that I love and to share that love with others…I could go on but instead I will tell you about the realisation I experienced.
I suddenly found myself reflecting on the years past…the time when I longed for more…more success, more success and more success! More inspiration, more money, a more abundant life, money to allow me to enjoy life with my children and my family, a job that helped me support myself and my family whilst allowing for my success. I wanted to feel intelligent (of course at that time I didn’t)…I was a stay at home mother, loving my children, loving spending time with them, but we struggled, life was often hard, paying the bills was often difficult, although I was resilient, I could make anything out of nothing, but I was exhausted with the drudgery, I love walking outside with my little ones, loved the comfort of their little hands in mine, loved to watch them play…I miss those times now they are grown. I loved that part of my life but longed for more fulfilment for myself and more money to IMPROVE OUR LIFE!
Now I have more money coming in, what I mean by that is that there are two wages coming in, I but we still struggle to make ends meet! I am fairly ‘successful’ but my life still feels that there is something missing…and I’m not talking about empty nest syndrome! I am unfulfilled because I have simply replaced one set of circumstances with another. I am no better off financially than before, but I am working myself into the ground and I have lost my sense of connection and I have misplaced ‘time;’ work consumes my time and my life. Life is still drudgery and exhausting in every sense, I know I am running on empty…
I am now trying to focus on me and my next steps are to build trust in myself that there is more…
I realise now that I had more before, but I was chasing the wrong dream and now I am living that dream but it has become a nightmare! Now is the time to extricate myself from that quagmire and find myself again, only this time I am cautious, I guess there is a fear, as I continue to reflect I feel that I haven’t done so well before really. Success, well it is all an illusion, and needs a new perspective, just like time, I am hoping it unfolds with love and care for a beautiful future filled with joy and happiness, which although I am in pursuit I realise it will be discovered within, and that too appears to be a long winding road, fraught with insecurities and often leaving me feeling tired and disillusioned. I guess I still have a long way to go, and have a lot more soul searching to do to clear away past inhibitions and old worn out beliefs, but I know I am grateful for all the good in my life now and for all the hope I feel for my glorious impending future. I am grateful for my children and their love, I am grateful for my beautiful Victorian home, decorated or not, for the sound of the birds in the trees outside and the blue of the sky that I see as I awake on a Spring day, I am grateful for the happiness I feel as I hold my grandchildren and for their laughter as they run through my house, I am grateful for a long relaxing bath at the end of each day and for time away from work regardless how little, and I am grateful for the experiences I have had throughout my life both good and bad because they have helped me become who I am today. So as I grapple with the heaviness within and I look for the light I am grateful for the positive voice that resides there too, my friend and my light giver, the voice and a part of me that walks beside me, that guides me and shines positivity and helps me continue walking forward, to becoming My Dream Maker.
With Thoughts of Love
© Elaine W Shaw 2014